I Lost Almost 20 Pounds During a Worldwide Health Crisis
Persevering through the COVID-19 pandemic and combating the struggles of mental and physical health
For many people, 2020 has definitely a roller coaster of a year, both for our mental and physical health. It was supposed to be the start of an amazing journey as a newly college graduate, finally being able to go out and explore the world around me. Suddenly, Corona (COVID-19) hit and completely turned my world upside down.
Instead of going out to find new adventures, I was stuck at home and decided to take some time to rediscover and continue working on a project I started in 2019, me.
I think I speak for most people in their 20s when I say that 2020 has been the year of self-discovery: Trying to figure out who we are, who we want people to see us as and what we want to do. For most of us, these questions are still unanswered as we’re all still trying to figure ourselves out under the uncertain circumstances we still face today.
Personally, after being out of college for a year now, I am constantly discovering new things about myself with what feels like the endless time 2020 has given me.
This is my year in review and while it may seem like not much has changed, I definitely have seen a major change in myself: in the way I look and feel. This is the next chapter of my weight loss journey: Powering through the pandemic.
Short Backstory
I began my journey in February of 2019. Like many others, I was not blessed with the best genes, including a family medical history with a laundry list of conditions that could potentially become a problem for me. Not to mention the fact I’ve been five feet short since eighth grade, which makes it harder for me to balance out my diet with my lack of height. I remember when I was younger seeing friends chugging sodas, milkshakes and French fries and not having any kind of negative reaction or regret. I would do the same and immediately feel disgusting, guilty and sometimes fat.
I’ve been seeing an endocrinologist since my late teens to monitor any symptoms or conditions that might become visible as well as being monitored by my primary physician. I was put on medication to prevent and contain the ones that started showing and for the most part, they have done their job with minimal side effects impacting my life.
My February 2019 visit to the endocrinologist was a little different than previously. I got on the scale as usual, but this time, I was more frustrated to see my weight over 200 pounds; I felt defeated. My doctor then recommended to try out another medication, one that might help me lose a few pounds.
By luck, within the first six weeks, I lost seven pounds without any change in my habits. As a full-time college student with a busy schedule at the time, I was amazed and surprised how quickly the effects started showing and it made me think, “what if I did more?”
I do credit my medication for a good portion of the weight I lost, but it also encouraged me to be more proactive and keep working at it. I would get on the scale every few weeks to see the numbers slowly go down. It made me feel proud of myself and continued to keep my motivation high.
As spring came around, I started taking walks and jogs around my neighborhood. The openness was freeing and became a way for me to cope with the stress in my life. It ended up becoming a daily routine by the summer, and the results of my progression continued to show. My clothes were beginning to fit more loosely, my skin was clearer than it has been in the past and I just felt better and more comfortable with myself.
I hit the 20-pound mark around the time I was starting my last semester at Montclair State University in New Jersey. Being an editor at the campus newspaper at the time, I decided to document this milestone and share my story.
This piece was simply a recap of the start of this journey and I knew I was nowhere near the end of it. I continued my routines and my hard work was still paying off.
Throughout the fall, I tried my best to keep up with it, especially when my workload was light and in my free time on the weekends.
I hit many roadblocks along the way because of my busy schedule leaving limited time to keep up with my physical activity. Somehow, at the end of 2019, I was another five pounds down, giving me more hope and encouragement to keep going in 2020.
2020: The longest, shortest year ever
By the start of the new year, I was 25 pounds down since the start of my journey. As you would expect, the New Jersey weather became colder and sometimes unbearable as winter continued to settle in, bringing its usual gusty winds and occasional snowstorms. However, this didn’t stop me from getting out and exercising as much as possible. Whether it was an unusually warm day or when I needed to bundle up, I was out doing my thing. I even got pneumonia in early February, which could have been a result of my defiance of Mother Nature’s winter wrath.
Around this time, I had a very flexible schedule. I was juggling two jobs and found ways to work around my schedule to fit in my daily workouts. It continued to be a routine for me to go out and get some steps in and enjoy the fresh air.
No one expected that the world would drastically change in the blink of an eye, making getting out of the house seem like a sin, but a necessity. It was the beginning of a nightmare.
I think everyone can remember what they were doing on Friday, March 13, 2020, when the world went into crisis mode as COVID-19 infections started to rise rapidly. It was that weekend when it hit me that this was serious and wasn’t going to go away. The closest thing I could compare it to in my memories was the aftermath of Super Storm Sandy in 2012, when I was a freshman in high school. As the days went by, this comparison became far from accurate as there was no escaping this mess.
Suddenly, the routine outdoor walks and jogs became something that I depended on in order to keep my sanity, as I was stuck at home, with a family of five, all trying to find ways to cope with the “new normal.”
My mental health was taking a turn for the worse, as solitary confinement and cabin fever started to kick in and I needed to find a way out, anything to escape. I started documenting in a journal I bought myself at the start of the year, which I ended up calling “The Corona Diaries,” as that is what I wrote about the most.
As time progressed and the days began to blend into each other, I was having attacks and episodes more frequently. I was running out of ideas to pass time and coping became more difficult. I felt trapped, alone, misunderstood.
“I saw a bunny this morning while I was eating breakfast and the only thing I could think of is how lucky that bunny is. That bunny gets to go about its usual routine and not have to worry about this stupid virus. I’m starting to think 2020 is shaping up to be the worst year of my life. It was supposed to be the best, and I had so much to look forward to. I can’t help but worry that everything I worked hard to get to do is going to have to be put on hold for a while. Trying hard to stay positive and combat my depression, but it’s just so hard when there’s really nothing to look forward to.” — Rebecca Serviss 3/17
The constant news of the pandemic and politics became too much at times to handle and made me worry about almost everything. With the spiraling echoes of negativity around the world, I continued to do what could to escape: walk, jog, and temporarily run away from it. It was one of the most refreshing ways and productive ways to take a break from the real world, and my lunch break workouts continued to show results.
It was also during this time that physical activity wasn’t the only thing contributing to my weight loss, my appetite changed as well. Anxiety and depression has its effects on your appetite in different ways. When you’re anxious, you feel butterflies in your stomach and feel like eating a single bite of anything will make you throw up. On the other hand, depression sometimes causes you to binge eat and drink, which anyone will tell you is not healthy.
The effects of anxiety and depression wouldn’t counteract each other, they would appear at different times, and depending on the day and my mood, I either wanted to eat a ton of comfort food or nothing at all.
“ I think I’ve gotten to the point of this mess where all I want to eat is crap. I woke up this morning and all I want to eat right now is chocolate chip pancakes. Do I need it, absolutely not. I can’t even tolerate toast right now… it’s that bad.” — Rebecca Serviss 4/1
There would be days where I just wanted toast for breakfast and nothing else until dinner, which many times, I only wanted it to be a bowl of Mom’s matzo ball or Panera baked potato soup and days when I wanted a cheeseburger from Five Guys, a large order of fries and a chocolate shake. Realistically, it usually ended up being one or two glasses of wine at dinner and a bubble bath.
I’ve experienced both effects on multiple occasions. Sometimes, I would get on the scale and drop a pound or two or jump a few. Being the stubborn perfectionist I am, I would push myself to get back on track if I suddenly gained a few pounds. Most of the time, I was able stop myself not eating and overeating by channeling my emotions into other activities, like walking or jogging, writing, taking a long shower and napping. However, everyone deserves to have a cheat day every once in a while and shouldn’t feel shameful for taking one.
One of the lessons I learned with my poor anxiety appetite is the importance of hydration. This was imperative while working out during the hot, humid and occasionally gross conditions summer is notoriously known for. I would get migraines and sometimes feel lightheaded, deterring me away from doing anything productive.
“The lesson I for some reason never learn is to DRINK WATER!!! I feel like absolute crap right now and it’s because of my own wrongdoings. Mom’s making dinner but I really can’t stomach anything right now. Hopefully writing this down will remind myself how much I hate feeling like this and encourage me to not be stupid again. I know myself and it’s probably going to take a lot more train my stubborn brain that I’m still human and can technically survive seven days without food, but I can’t go one without water.” — Rebecca Serviss 9/21
Dehydration migraines are the most annoying, yet easily avoidable setbacks on any given day. These were usually the days when I wanted to stay in bed, under the covers, in the dark, in complete silence with an ice pack on my head and a supply of cold water bottles from the fridge in the garage. Our refrigerator in the garage is so old and not up to today’s safety requirements that the temperature it keeps food at is close to if not actually a freezer. I would just lie there, counting down the hours until I could take an Advil PM and get a good night’s sleep.
Despite the occasional mental and physical health setbacks, going out to the park was the most impactful way I found to keep myself in check. I would put my earbuds in and play Green Day on shuffle or replay Taylor Swift’s “Folklore” over and over again depending on my mood. Just imagining I was in my happy place or occasionally pretending that I was running through a battlefield in a World War II epic with the sound of gunshots from a local police shooting range.
Once again, winter was coming and I knew I would have to talk myself to going out at least a few days a week to keep up with my progress. Most of the time, I found that once you get going in the cold, the temperature doesn’t bother you as much. On cold days, I would drive to the park with the heat on, and drive home with the windows down. Still, by the end of my workout, you can tell that my nose was running faster than I was. After my experience at the beginning of the year, I don’t recommend thinking this way. You might end up catching a cold (or pneumonia) so I’ve learned that layering up is crucial to prevent getting impacted by the elements. My immune system has been pretty good to me in the past, but I am in no way invincible.
Around Thanksgiving, the family made the ultimate decision to invest in a treadmill and while that satisfied the needs of my physical health, facing a plain, white wall in our windowless basement just doesn’t feel as good as the fresh air outside. Obviously, I’ll be using it for times when I physically can’t go outside because of the weather. It’s definitely not a replacement, more of a compromise to keep up with my activity.
“We got our first nor’easter of the season and it looks really pretty outside. The sad part is that now I’m really stuck inside. Dad said the treadmill was supposed to come on Tuesday, but it actually just shipped and now it says between 10–14 business days to be delivered (GREAT). Don’t know when I’ll be able to go out, I’ve been feeling congested again so I know it may not be the best idea to go out for a few days. How many days until spring? — Rebecca Serviss 12/17
There are two phases of lockdown, at least the way I experienced it. The first is the cozy kind, which is what I felt at the beginning of the pandemic. “I don’t need to get dressed today, great.” Then there’s the smothered kind, when your parents’ four bedroom house suddenly begins to feel smaller and smaller as the days go by, and it’s not anyone’s fault. Going out to the park was one of the easiest and safest ways to escape the “smotherness” of being stuck at home. I found myself feeling so much better after coming back from a quiet relaxing walk in the park just because it got me out of the house for an hour.
Throughout this journey, especially in the middle of a pandemic, I learned that tending to your physical health can also positively impact your mental health. You just feel good about yourself or you like you’ve accomplished something for the day. For many people, feeling down about themselves, taking care of your health can be the perfect way avert those feelings and be proud of themselves. I highly recommend for anyone feeling the effects of cabin fever to just go to the park and take a walk. I promise you’ll feel so much better after.
The Good Times
Being a perfectionist has its ups and downs. It pushes you to try your best, but at the same time, it makes you feel like a failure when you don’t accomplish your goals right away. I’ve learned that it’s important not to focus on the numbers on the scale, but the way I feel about myself.
During the summer, I found ways to reward myself by on my progress, take a step back from the world and just relax. One of my favorite spots is the Jersey Shore. The sound of the crashing waves, the smell of salt water in the air, the teens ringing the bell every time the ice cream trucks stop by, kites flying, there’s just something about it that makes me feel at peace.
Due to the pandemic, I didn’t get a lot of shore time except for two visits to my grandmother’s rental shore house down on Long Beach Island. Her house wasn’t near the typical “shore spots” people usually go to so social distancing wasn’t a problem. Just sitting on that beach, away from the crowds and the tourists felt amazing and definitely something I needed.
I would modify my work schedule to accommodate these little “getaways,” and putting in the extra hours was really worth it to be able to have a relaxing day off at the beach. With this flexibility, I was able to push aside the stress I usually put on myself to get my work done and focus on myself. Safely ditching the daily routine to go down the shore brought back some of the normalcy I craved since the beginning of the pandemic and the summer fun I desperately needed. Just the openness and freedom to leave the house and the same sights and sounds of suburbia brought a smile to my face.
It also gave me a chance to finally show off my new “bod” in some photos without looking stupid in my heavily wooded North Jersey backyard. Seeing the side by side photos from previous years really shows the progress I’ve made and makes me feel proud.
“It’s a shame that the one year I lose 35 pounds, I can’t go out and show it off. It’s actually kind of ironic that this is what want to do yet I can’t. For years, I was eager for sweater weather to cover up my pale, freckled, flawed body so no one could see, to now sitting on a beach in a bathing suit and finally feeling somewhat comfortable with myself. Who knew? I really can’t wait until this disaster is over and hopefully I won’t reverse my progress by then.” — Rebecca Serviss 7/23
All of the compliments and support from family and friends with each milestone, and hearing the phrase “you look good,” truly warms my heart and reminds me that I’m doing something right.
I think it’s that that feeling of verification which is an important part of what continues to motivate people to do what they love. Being separated from loved ones for so long turns people away from doing what they love and causes them to lose motivation because they can’t personally share their experiences with them. There’s a sense of comfort that comes from verbally communicating with one another and sharing these experiences in a way social media or text messaging cannot always satisfy.
Whenever my weight would plateau or increase, I would feel down, depressed and frustrated with myself that I “slacked off.” But anytime someone would say to me, “you look good, Beck,” I felt good about myself. But at the same time, it shouldn’t have to take someone else’s compliment to enhance my self-esteem. The fact that I haven’t gotten a lot of praise and positive reinforcement might actually be a good thing because it trains my mind to not rely on it to continue on.
However, not being able to share my journey with my friends and loved ones feels strange. It’s something that I think many people will notice when they see me for the first time in over a year and it’s not like I can or want to hide it. It’s one of the reasons I began documenting this for myself and what’s been going on in my life during this difficult and rewarding journey. To remember these moments when I continued to persevere and overcome one of the biggest struggles in my life, so that one day, I can finally share them with the world again. And once again, the journey isn’t over yet.
Lessons
If there is anything to take away from my experiences this year it’s that a person’s mental health and physical health go hand and hand with each other. Overall, it is important to keep both in check. Sometimes, by tending to one, it could possibly benefit the other.
I think I’m becoming more comfortable with myself. I can look in the mirror and not want to hide my face like I used to do in high school, because I felt too ugly and fat. At the same time, I am nowhere near perfect and know that there is still work that needs to be done.
I am still very self-conscious about the way I look. I know what I’m comfortable showing and what I’m still afraid to. One of the things people neglect to talk about throughout their weight loss is the loose skin that hangs from your arms and legs that you’re afraid of showing off in tank tops and shorts in the summer as well the stretch marks still visible on your stomach.
From my experiences with my mental and physical health struggles, what also needs to happen is normalizing them. In many cases, it is not a choice to be overweight, anxious or depressed. The world needs to understand how hard it is for some people to feel better about themselves and the world around them. It is also important to be encouraging to those going through their own journeys, but at the same time supportive and understanding when they hit a roadblock because coming from it first hand, it isn’t easy, especially when most of the time, you’re fighting a battle with yourself.
“When you constantly have to remind yourself that ‘you’re not a bad person’ and ‘the world doesn’t hate you,’ you’re not okay. But what’s hard for many people to understand is that it is okay to not be okay.” — Rebecca Serviss 8/24
Most importantly, you need to be tough with yourself, but not too hard. You don’t need someone to compliment you on your progress to make yourself feel accomplished. We need to teach ourselves to compliment ourselves. For many people, this is one of the hardest things to do, but it is crucial to remind yourself that you’re doing a great job to keep yourself motivated to continue on. Reward yourself with each milestone you reach. You deserve to feel good about the good you’re doing in your life, and no matter how many months or years you need to take, you’ll reach your goal if you keep being persistent and motivated.
My goal for the new year is to lose another 10 pounds to put me close to 160, which I guess would okay to stick with for now. This along with continuing to squeeze time in my work schedule for myself, even if it’s just five minutes. There is still a lot of uncertainty that lies ahead, but all I know is that I will get through it, I mean is there another option?
For me, this journey has been all about motivation. Seeing signs that I’m making progress is probably the key factor that keeps me going. I’ve hit a few bumps in the road with my weight plateauing and increasing from time to time and feeling like I’ve lost that spark, but I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s okay to gain and lose a few pounds periodically. It’s not a sign of imperfection, it’s just my metabolism doing its thing.
I am 23 years old and almost 40 pounds lighter than I was two years ago. With everything going on in the world today, I’m just grateful and proud to make it to this point because when you feel like the world is at a standstill, making progress in your own life gives you a feeling of hope that you’re going in the right direction.
This may not work for everyone as each individual has their own set of genetics and unique metabolisms, which can make losing weight easier or harder than others. I am not a trainer, a nutritionist or have any kind of certification that makes me an expert in this field. I’m just a girl who’s still trying to figure out who she is and who she wants people to see her as, and right now, all I can tell you is that she’s still a work in progress.
Thank you for reading my story. This took many months to draft and a lot in me to write. This was mostly written late into the night when the ideas would come to me, or just those nights when I couldn’t sleep. This has been a difficult but rewarding journey and accomplishing these personal goals in the middle of a pandemic shows that even in our darkest days, we can be our own sources of light. Anything is possible if you put your mind to it.
